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Archive for June, 2011

Life is not guaranteed. We all know this, yet we all take life granted sometimes. I know I do…

Today is different though. As I was fighting with the letter ” t ” on my keyboard, swearing up a storm and getting completely agitated – and actually letting out a big scream of frustration – I then stopped. I stopped and took a deep breath and just took a moment. This little moment caused me to realize how insane it was that I was getting so aggravated over something so little and meaningless. I then thought about, and you know what? I do that a lot. I get so caught up in the moment that I let the little things completely take over and turn my mood foul. So what if the dishes weren’t done. So what if the living room was left a mess. In the grand scheme of things, it really doesn’t matter all that much.

What does matter is that I am alive today. I am happy and am surrounded by people who love me with all their heart and soul. More importantly, I have my health. It seems lately that a bit of health issues have come up in the blog world, ranging from life threatening to lifestyle changing. Thankfully, I don’t have any major health issues and consider myself, for the most part, healthy. But I take it for granted every single day, and that needs to stop. I should be grateful that I can eat what I want, go where I want to go, and exercise however and whenever I want. I shouldn’t take advantage of all the things I can do, and I should be mindful of how I am treating my body… something I can admit to not always doing. I should be thankful that my family can afford to have food on the table and clothes on our backs. I should be thankful that Tommy comes home from work every night – and he is safe and sound. And I shouldn’t complain about not having friends – and be thankful for those that I do have. I shouldn’t take my parents for granted, and one day they won’t be here… I should call them more.

I could probably go on and on about what I should and shouldn’t do — but I wont… Life is too short to focus on the have and have nots. Instead, I am going to be around my family and be extra thankful for my life going to sleep tonight.

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When I came across the poster below, it really put everything into perspective for me. As cheesy as it sounds, I don’t think I found this poster by accident. I think it was just the universe trying to tell me a little something…

This poster says it all...

-Amy

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If you were to ask any one person if they are a good driver; they probably wouldn’t hesitate before answering yes. The truth of the matter is that the majority of people that are on the road (legally and illegally) absolutely suck at driving…

Top Annoying Things Bad Drivers Do:

1. The Cell Phone Driver

Now, I am not going to sit here and say that I have never talked on my cell phone while driving because that would be a lie. However, I have only done it when I actually needed to take the phone call, and then pulled over to continue my conversation. Those are the people I am talking about anyway. I am talking about the people that are constantly talking on their cell phones while driving. You will be next to them at a red light while they are talking away – then witness them hang up and make another phone call. Yea, those people. Of course, what kind of list would this be if I didn’t give a shout out to the text-messaging drivers. The ones that are so into texting that they swerve in and out of lanes, sit at green lights, and so forth. Love them.

2. The ‘Im too good’ Driver:

These drivers are real gems. They are the ones that never use a turn signal, drive way too fast, and swerve in and out of lanes on the highway. They obviously think they are too good to follow the rules that everybody has to follow.*also under this annoyance is the genius that leaves their blinker on foreverseems people can’t see that light blinking on their dashboard directly in front their face.

3. Slow in the Fast Lane Driver:

Wouldn’t the road be a wonderful place if we all worked together? Well, it’s not and we don’t. One of the most annoying things a driver can do is stay in the far left lane.. while going obnoxiously slow. Instead of passing the intended car, this driver will stay in the far left lane and just cause a major slow-up. Thanks, buddy.

4. The Parking Guru

We have all been there… searching for a parking spot at the mall or the grocery store and think we see one – that is until we get a closer look and realize the nice driver of the pretty little car felt it necessary to take up two parking spots. Whether the person’s bad parking job was intentional or not, this person still gets the jackass award.

5. The Nose Picker

Let me be perfectly clear about this: I have nothing against someone picking their nose… just as long as I DON’T HAVE TO SEE IT. There is seriously nothing more disgusting than pulling up to a fellow driver and notice that he is mid-mining operation and knuckle-deep in his own nose. It is gross. And there is nothing more annoying…

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I often ramble on here just about certain things that I may have on my mind or that I feel I want to just “get out there”. This post is definitely going to fit under that category…

The other day I was talking with a friend of mine (K) and the topic of weight came up. [… a little information to preface: I have known my friend K for pretty much my whole life. She is short (just about 5 feet) and has always been really small and very skinny often trying to maintain her weight in the “healthy range”…]

So we were sitting by the pool and weight came up, as it sometimes does with women. She had mentioned that her cousin, who is overweight, got called fat and was obviously hurt by the comment. K responded by trying to make her feel better, but her cousin snapped back at “K saying “how she doesn’t know how it feels”.. or does she? K has been called “too skinny” plenty of times, and has even had the “go eat a cheeseburger” comment thrown at her for good measure.

As someone who has been on both sides of the fence, being called ‘too skinny’ is just as offensive as being called ‘fat’. I have been asked “are you still trying to lose weight? You are already too skinny” similar to when I was overweight and someone would call me “fat and tell me I need to go Jenny Craig”) Both comments come from opposite ends of the spectrum, but both comments have the same effect: they make a person feel inadequate about their body.

Although I have only considered the ‘too skinny’ comments in passing, after talking with my friend and considering my own experiences I do think that the skinny comment is just as offensive as the fat comment. Since our society [if you’re an American] values thinness, I don’t think people realize that it can be just as hurtful to call a person “too skinny” as it can be to call a person “fat.”

When I think back to the way being called ‘fat’ made me feel I realize that being called ‘too skinny’ makes me feel just the same. Both comments leave me self-conscious and inadequate. Regardless of where the comment comes from, it is intended to point of a flaw…

And I don’t think anyone really needs someone else pointing out their flaws…

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Yesterday my boyfriends daughter had her senior pictures taken. As we were scrolling through them on Facebook, I couldn’t help but be pained as I heard her criticize herself every which way. Of course, Tommy and I were blown away at how beautiful her photos came out, and we thought she looked absolutely amazing without a flaw to be seen. But, to her all she saw was the flaws. As her father walked away, he said to no one in particular “why are we so hard on ourselves?” And it struck a cord with me…

Why are we so hard on ourselves? Many of us have some perfectionist tendencies, some more than others. But why do people strive for perfection? Why do we expect to be perfect when most of us know that being perfect is unattainable? Why do we constantly set the bar so high, only to make a mistake and belittle ourselves over it. I know I am the first one to point out to someone that making mistakes is part of life; yet when I myself make a mistake I call myself out and chastise my error feeling like I am worthless.

I realize that my over-critical ways have increased as I have gotten older and I almost feel that I have used my “failure quota”. I know that a part of me does want to be near-perfect in every aspect of my life and I do things for the sake of being “perfect”. When I see pictures of myself all I can do (just like our 17 year old teenager) is think about what is wrong with me in it. All I can focus on is how I don’t like how I look, or how the photo didn’t come out right. When I make a mistake like forgetting about a doctors appointment or not remembering a birthday I berate myself for making such a stupid mistake.

Am I not allowed to make mistakes? Of course I am. Should I not be focused on what I look like in a photo, and instead be grateful that memory was caught on camera for me to look back upon? Of course I should…

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I know that trying to be perfect and getting down on myself because I am not is much more destructive than meets the eye and mentally giving myself slaps on the head is doing nothing for my self-esteem. I know that if my confidence is dependent on whether or not I am “succeeding at everything” this will lead to unstable feelings. I know having unattainable goals (like being perfect) will set me up for failure, and therefore set me up for a whole slew of self-bashing that will slowly rob me of my confidence and self-worth.

I need to stop trying to be perfect and trying to please everybody. I need to stop being so critical of myself  when I can’t be the “perfect” me… and if I do make a mistake, I need to not hold it against myself. I need to be confident that everything I am doing with my life, I am doing to the best of my ability. I need have confidence that I am being the best ME I can be. Instead of trying to please everybody else, I need to start thinking of myself a little bit more and doing things that make me happy. I need to aim for happiness – not perfection.

 

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*Disclaimer – this post is also a whole lot of nothing accompanied by an annoying number of photos. Can’t say I didn’t warn you…

Love the fact that:

– Summer is finally here. Hell freakin yes. I wait for this moment all year long, where I can retire the gloves, scarves, and winter apparel. Where I can leave the house without having to put on 3 pairs of socks and fight with the zipper on my Ugg boots. Flip flops rule.

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I love my booze dad.

– I celebrated Father’s Day by doing a whole lot of the following: drinking, eating, more drinking, and then more eating. I think all holidays should be celebrated this way. Needless to say when Tommy’s daughter showed up last night with his ‘gift’ (a specially made cake with whipped cream cheese frosting, strawberries & whipped frosting in the middle, and the moistest vanilla cake I have ever tasted) I nearly lost my drunken’ shit. It was that good.

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Love that Massachusetts is so screwed up that it is more beneficial (health insurance wise) to stay unemployed.

– Oh, I also have been thinking about whether or not it is financially “worth” it for us for me to go back to work. (I start classes back up in September) Turns out — it is not. Darn, and I was really hoping to slave away for shit money somewhere.

source

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I love lethal weapons that fit in my purse surprises?!

– Tommy came home the other day with a present for me. Isn’t it cute? Yea, it is just how we roll. Don’t judge.

No, it is not a water gun...

 

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Told you this post was a whole lot of nothing lovin…

 

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Fat Talk

If you asked me to describe my self-esteem years ago, I would answer you only one word: non-existent. Once I hit puberty, everything about me changed including how I felt about myself. As I got older, it just got worse and eventually became part of who I was. I was always fat talking myself (and others) and there was never a time that I felt confident in myself never mind be ok with what I looked like on the outside. The only thing I knew was how to put myself and others down.

From early on, I realized something: making fun of myself and pointing out my ‘flaws’ was a lot easier on me than if someone else did it. So, that is what I did. I would say things around people like “im not fat – just big boned” to make fun of myself. If I saw someone that was bigger than me, I would make a comment that “at least I wasn’t her size”. Unfortunately, in the group I was around, teasing other kids was a norm. You were either a) the teaser or b) the teased.  For the most part I was in a semi-popular group (being the “funny fat girl who is just like one of the guys” had it advantage I suppose) and had my fair share of being the bitch towards other people as well by pointing out their flaws – to lessen my own feelings of being insecure. When the insults were placed back on me and I was called “fat” and “cow”, every insult seemed to take a piece of my self-worth right out from underneath me. For a long time, every time I looked at my reflection I was flooded with insults and things that were wrong with me. By the time I finally entered into sobriety, the only feeling I had toward myself was hate. I truly hated myself.

I think psychologist Carl Jung said it best when he said, “The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely” because changing the way I thought and felt about myself has been a big challenge for me. I was attempting to undo years and years of self-hating. Surprisingly (or not) even after I got clean, lost weight, and started actually living my life in a purposeful way – I still had low self-esteem and would always find something to pick on myself about.

It was actually Caitlin at Healthy Tipping Point who posted a video (or article;I can’t remember) about fat talk that actually got me to really think about how I was fat-talking and how I actually, really felt about myself. Her posting that article set my wheels in motion and started me on a journey to self-esteem and acceptance. I remember thinking to myself that “I had come so far and should have be praising myself, but instead was doing the opposite. I didn’t even realize just how much body bashing and fat-talking I was really doing until I became aware of it.

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Even years later, I can’t say that I never “fat talk” or “body bash” myself because that just wouldn’t be true. I do have off days (who doesn’t) that I just can’t shake, and usually end up with a negative thought about myself; but thankfully I am no where close to how I was abusing myself before.

 

Q. Were you teased in high school? A teaser? Were you part of the ‘popular crowd’?

-A

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The other night I was channel surfing and came across the movie, Mean Girls. The movie depicts female, high school social cliques and the brutality and cattiness of the “mean” (aka popular) girls. The movie plot got me thinking about that cattiness that doesn’t end in high school but only just begins, and how women seem to be life-long members of cattiness club. Stupid movie as it may be, it got me thinking about why women are so catty towards each other…

Lately I am beginning to think that it is actually in our nature to be bitches. I mean, it has to be right? Women are the only creatures that instantaneously hate another woman without even knowing a thing about her — only judging her for how she looks and what she has.  I don’t think there is one woman out there who can claim that she has never made a snap fashion judgement to herself (“What is she wearing!) or worse said it out loud. I am included in this group so don’t think I am going all “high and mighty” here. Because I am not. I have definitely taken place in girl on girl hate before (especially in high school), and have only recently started to be more aware of these bitchy auto-thoughts. Perhaps it was four years ago, when a teenager entered my life and I saw how girls were through her eyes. Or maybe it is that I am just growing up. Regardless of the reason, I definitely make it point to be aware of the things I think and say; and therefore try to correct myself if I find myself drinking the haterade.

I had a nice dose of girl on girl hate last year by supposed close friends and more recently by a woman who I didn’t know from a hole in the wall at a bar a couple weekends ago. Since then I came up with my own list on why *I* think woman are catty (this is only my opinion so please take it with a grain of salt as I could be full of shit crap)

 

 

Why bitches be bitches:

1) Women are jealous. Plain and simple. They are so jealous of other women and what they have that they can barely stand themselves. This is where the cattiness comes in. To counteract the fact that they can’t stand themselves, they must try and bring other woman down to their level.

2) Women feel insecure about themselves; therefore make themselves feel better by believing others are more flawed than them. Envy monsters with low self-esteem like pointing out the flaws of others to lessen their feelings of inferiority; and increases false feelings of superiority. Women feel superior to other women if they believe they are physically more attractive.

3) Women are competitive. They compete with themselves and compete with other woman on every level possible (personal, societal etc). Envy monsters usually have a warped view of the world; and think that if a woman has something she envies and wants (mate, job, family, life) – her chances of getting that same thing are lessened. (you know, because the world is such a small and all)

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Like I said earlier, I am not preaching on a soap box by any means. I guess I just feel that the cattiness we are all too familiar with is unnecessary. I think that hating on anyone is just plain exhausting and not worth it to me. In this life, there is always going to be someone is who is prettier than me, skinnier, richer, has a better wardrobe etc and I am OK with that. Live and let live, right?

 

-Amy

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